Tomorrow I dive in again – familiar waters – this time, more tired than hopeful.  Recording a song that was written while in NY – dressing her in her best for pitch.  There’s already interest – feels strange.  Is this another sign?  I’ve worked for years in a town I love, only to visit her possible replacement and find I can’t keep my hands off her.  Something new is always intoxicating – but is it better?  Is the “new” my bait waiting to wear off and disappoint?

I want to jump – there’s a part of me that no longer cares if I land.

Little rest this time around.  I returned home after 2 weeks on the road – the last 2 days spent filming my first solo music video for “sunday black”.  A quick repack – time with friends – my forty-five hour return.
Back to the grind.  I’m 33k feet above the ground – trapped in a 4hr box.  This time around feels like forever – no amount of sleep seems enough & my peace of mind is leaving.  Restless and craving drastic change.  So much packed into 6 non-stop weeks.  I will find my footing, hopefully finish some of the new tunes and be back on a plane to the opposite coast as soon as this adventure finds an end.

“sunday black”

Monday was lengthy day of travel and what felt like the worst hangover of my life.  The previous 18 hours were filled with blocked shots, underwater singing and the company of a beautiful stranger.  I will never get used to the awkward thrust of intimate moments – captured for mass consumption.  Thankfully my two experiences have found my company to be extremely gracious and quite comfortable in their skin.  I think it’s time to abandon my penchant for nudity in future videos.  It’s a lot of work.
Van (Blumreich), the director, created a beautiful story that completely defines the desperation of the character – uncomfortably beautiful.
I spent the last two hours of the day picking through countless takes and setups – so much to choose from – great footage.  Van and DP, Jeff Fountain’s attention to movement and frame – beyond anything I could have hoped for.

It takes an army
I don’t think people realize how crucial the “team” is when shooting visuals – they are EVERYTHING.  Lighting and a great Hair & Makeup artist are crucial.  We could not have done it without Mary Stanley, my clothing stylist & hair/make-up genius or DP Jeff Fountain.  Here are a few still shots from the set:

I’m the kid – hand in air – mid winter request for Sun & Shine.  The cramp of winter has found no welcome – I’m ready for her departure.  Snow caged weekends – cabin fever and the disbelief of February’s steady dissolve.

I’m settled in – corner table – morning meeting off the list – taking time to enjoy the moment.  Erik Hassle’s “Back to Bed” is currently my constant replay – “to start over regardless & stronger/make this day what you want it to be”.

I’m dusting off – a month of sessions and plans for the next assault – one huge exhale.  I left the lukewarm in-between of Nashville last week for a month and half of work with Compassion, writing for my “pop record” and a video shoot for “sunday black”.  It seems as though blinks become weeks and sleeps wake to months. Another year well on her way.

Do you ever feel like the stab ahead is a never ending cycle of “if I just complete this, then I can take a break”?  Sorry if that strikes a bit out of the blue.  The problem with the previous phrase is my tendency to embrace all things impossible – at least impossible in thought.  I have to have a plan – an end result.  I’m always working towards something & when that “something” is reached, fifteen other goals have usually grown from said original plan.  Always complicated – never easy.

There is still much warring between my lobes – personal battles & all the insecurities that accompany such thoughts leave me struggling to write outside the lines.  I’m ready to make a happy record but the story is not complete.

I began you with nothing more than the air left to my name – endless attempts at my design and countless plans for reinventing the wheel.  You looked more desperate than ever.

I slept your winter – braved your cold – one transitional defeat to the next.  Four months of holding on – to what, I still can not define.  Maybe the possibility of the only thing I’ve ever known – the tick that makes me breathe or my reality of nothing without her.  Whatever your reason – the words were never far.  The “come together” of wilderness and inspiration.

I wrote your days and drank your nights – building backwards.  I’ve heard it said that “life’s worth all the dying we do” – this is never true in the midst of passing.  When “the endless in between” is seldom more than a glimpse & hope is rarely strong enough to surface – we simply exist.

We stab and claw – tearing at anything that resembles “making sense of a bad situation” – and then you appear.  Hindsight and the small smirk of where we were.  The third person review of our turn in time.

Spring came and finally, ink hit paper. No more pretending I had a career – I was official.

The next few months are some of my favorite lived – hope found a surface.  I dove into the task of connecting – story to strum – no agenda but enjoying something earned – and again, you appeared.

The wicked chance encounter – a few weeks of make believe.  Over and done.  Stolen.  What I had not wanted for years – allowed, touched and lost in mere moments.  As if the grief were not enough – the last of my possessions, gone – ripped from my brilliant adventure.  Defeated, numb – I returned to the constant reminder.  A dose of unknown penance for choices I would give the world to change.  Or would I?  I teeter on that thought by the minute.  So much learned – a lifetime in seconds gone.

Summer fell and Fall seemed more empty than ever.  The things never shared left me remembering what could have been.  Wanderland had become the home beneath my chest – I wrote to catch my breath – and breathe, I finally did.

I don’t regret you nor would I change you.  Twelve months of “never the same”.

This year’s been full of anything but “the simple things”, which makes the appreciation of such, so tangible.

I’m mid-way through a week of deadlines and “pushing forward”.  The covers EP & holiday single dropped yesterday and I’m pleasantly surprised at the reception – the faithful few truly are an amazing group of folks.  I’m torn between my small steam ahead and hunger to do something beyond this whole music thing.  All we have at the end of the day, in this life, is our connection – who we impact – how we touch.  I sometimes feel stuck at mediocre when all I crave is great.  I’m learning to accept the metal instability of a creative

Today I’m hunkered down at camp write-a-lot.  I have several songs yet to finish before recording vocals tomorrow and Friday.  I don’t think my slight case of heartsick is helping matters much.  I’m missing people – several “come once in a lifetimes”.  The sap in me is in full swing – back to work.

9/24/09

cloud cover and the hint of cool – in Dallas for a few days.  My gypsy ways will tame come Saturday.  Fall trips to LA & NY are up in the air and may be pushed until spring of ’10.  I am in the final stages of “theminorfall”.  She’s taken more time than I originally planned but I still get butterflies every time I walk in her room.  Not being one for “butterflies” – this is a good thing.  She is extremely personal – the first side of 6 portraits.  I’ve waited my entire life to be in this space and all I want to do is capture every moment, in the moment.  The psycho creative in me has always battled with focus.  I usually split myself between too many iron fire endeavors – this time was different.  I think being in the midst of chaos has led to focus – strange but true.  I’m endlessly proud of my sad little lady.  I’m working on a short bloggeo that will give you a peek up the skirt.  Weekly video shorts were in the works but all the footage was stolen during the recent LA debacle.  I recorded a few of the last sessions & will string it together soon.

I wish I could say a break is around the bend but there is still much to do.  The ever looming, delayed release of “boxsideoutV.I” – a Christmas single – ep #2, “themajorlift” – an untitled set of more electronic recordings – an ep with David Gonzales and the list goes on.

Today we prep the tracks for tomorrow.  There are guitars to lay and a multitude of voices to find.

Enjoy your 9-9-09 my friends.  Discover something new – feast on love if your lucky enough to hold it & never regret your moments no matter how difficult they become.

Song of the week: “Dangerous” by Joshua James

be easy

c-